i made this self portrait in september 01
[one of the last in a series of 100 or so, made over 5 years.]

this time i used two mirrors,
a little moonlight, a handheld flashlight
& long exposure on my nikon digicam

in the bathroom of the homeless hostel in south london
with the corrupt and sociopathic manager
where i used to fight for my right to live

to record the fact that i was somehow
[justabout]
still surviving.

the next morning i went to the doctor
and told her that the constant threats of unfair eviction
and bullying and lies from staff
had been going on for a whole year -

and i'd gone to every authority i could think of for help
but no one really cared what happened
to people who were
"of no further use to society"

and i couldn't take much more...
i was having five nightmares every night
then waking up with the first thought
"i wish it would just stop."

so she gave me 32 sleeping tablets.

every day since,
after counting my blessings,
i've made the choice
not to take them.